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Photo courtesy of Lisette Sanchez By Dr. Lisette Sanchez February 17, 2025 – 06:00 We hear about breaking cycles as first-gens , but how do we actually do it? As a first-gen Latina therapist who specializes in working with other first-gens, I often tell my clients that the first step is understanding what cycle we are breaking. Today, I want to share my experience with a cycle I thought I had actively broken, only to find it creeping back in as I entered a different phase of life. That cycle is marianismo —the belief that a woman’s value comes from being self-sacrificing, subservient, and virtuous. I thought I had broken free from it, but the moment I became a señora, I found unexpected comfort in marianismo. I believed that making my own choices and focusing on my future meant I had freed myself from the belief that I had to be self-sacrificing. I had put my needs first when I left home for college, prioritizing my education, dreams, and goals over everything else. I thought I had left marianismo behind, but as I reflected, I saw its quiet influence on my beliefs about love. Looking back, I can see how marianismo shaped my earliest beliefs about love and what it meant to be worthy of it. I once believed that love, especially familial love, was unconditional. It was steady, unwavering, something I never had to question. But cultural expectations, particularly marianismo, imposed conditions on love, defining it through self-sacrifice and unwavering devotion. I internalized the idea that to be deserving of love, I had to meet these stringent standards. I wanted to believe that love was unconditional, but marianismo taught me otherwise. Marianismo taught me that to be loved meant to serve and to put my needs second. I saw this belief modeled in the women around me. My abuelita, a mother of 11, waited on my abuelo and their children, especially the men. Women were expected to help, but the unspoken rule was clear. Men came first, and women’s needs came second. This pattern repeated at most family gatherings, where the women cooked, served, and cleaned while the men sat and ate. That was just the way things were. I learned to equate love with self-sacrifice, believing that my worth depended on how much I gave. In my past relationships, this belief shaped the way I showed up. I equated love with constant giving and neglected my own needs. I thought maintaining love required endurance, patience, and the ability to bear difficulties without complaint, just as I had seen modeled by the women in my life. This mindset prevented me from setting boundaries or asking for what I needed because, deep down, I feared that doing so would make me less lovable. That changed when I met my now-spouse. With him, I started to view love differently. For the first time, I believed I had freed myself from the pressure of marianismo. I set boundaries, expressed my needs openly, and allowed myself to disagree without fear, knowing we could find a middle ground. I thought I had finally unlearned the idea that love required me to sacrifice myself to be worthy of it. I thought I had rewritten my understanding of love, but marriage revealed just how deeply marianismo was ingrained in me. Stay connected! Subscribe now and get the latest on culture, empowerment, and more. SIGN ME UP! This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and Google Privacy Policy and the Terms of Service . Thank You! You are already subscribed to our newsletter Once we were married, I noticed those old beliefs creeping back in. I was a señora now, and suddenly, I felt like certain responsibilities fell solely on me. My hyper-independence took over, convincing me that asking for help was not an option. I finally had the love I had always wanted but had never allowed myself to fully embrace. Yet I found myself returning to the fear that I would lose that love if I did not adhere to the values I was raised with. My spouse noticed the shift in me. He saw the exhaustion and the weight I placed on myself, and he stepped in to help. In that moment, I realized I had started to slip back into familiar ways of thinking. Suddenly, proving myself worthy of love meant doing it all. Balancing everything, thriving in my career, and single-handedly taking care of our home, even if it meant ignoring my own needs. I took on too much. Since I worked from home, I told myself it should be easy. I would throw in a load of laundry between sessions, convincing myself it was no big deal. But by the end of the workday, I was too exhausted to fold and put it away, and frustration would settle in. Not being able to do it all made me feel like a failure. I was not fulfilling my role the way I had pressured myself to. While I may disagree with marianismo, it is what I have always known. It shaped my understanding of what it means to be a woman. Even though I was in a different kind of partnership, my instincts still pulled me toward the same old expectations. Now, I understand that love may be conditional, but the conditions are not what I had initially thought. The conditions of love should be mutual respect, care, and thoughtfulness, not self-neglect. It is not only acceptable but essential to express my needs and ask for help. This shift has allowed me to move away from the marianismo-influenced notion that I must bear all burdens myself. Our cultural values can sometimes lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics as we try to fulfill roles built on outdated expectations. We grow up believing that love must be earned through self-sacrifice, that we must give more than we receive. But in reality, we are worthy of love simply because we exist. Love should not be a reward for suffering. By redefining the conditions of love in my marriage, I am breaking away from the constraints of marianismo. Love is not about endless sacrifice, as I once believed. It is about mutual care, shared responsibilities, and the freedom to ask for what we need without fear. Unlearning these cycles is hard, but it is possible. Sí se puede! In this Article Dr. Lisette Sanchez Featured first gen first gen mental health first generation latina Latina mental health latina therapist Love marianismo More on this topic Culture 14 Romance Books by Latina Authors Coming Out in 2025 February 13, 2025 – 10:00 Culture 17 Must-Read Romance Novels from the Last Decade by Latinas February 12, 2025 – 10:16 Culture 17 Must-Watch Afro-Latinx Documentaries February 07, 2025 – 11:00 Culture Ashley K. Stoyanov Ojeda Talks Latina Mentorship January 31, 2025 – 18:00
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