[IMPORTANT: Make this 4 times longer with much more detail]
Photo by Miguel Del Angel Villegas: https://www.pexels.com/photo/pensive-woman-amidst-twinkling-lights-at-night-29908773/ By Dr. Lisette Sanchez January 31, 2025 – 11:20 “If I ask for help, it makes me weak. It means I don’t belong, I’m not capable, and I’ve failed.” If these thoughts sound familiar, know this: you are not alone. As a therapist who works with first-generation Latinas , I’ve seen this struggle time and again. Asking for help feels deeply wrong to many of us, almost like breaking an unspoken rule we’ve carried for years. This resistance is shaped by the cultural values we were raised with, the family expectations we carry, and the pressure of being “the first” in so many spaces. Yet, even though it’s a common experience, it’s not often talked about. Asking for help doesn’t always mean seeking major, life-changing support. It can be as simple as accepting help when it’s offered or acknowledging that we’re struggling. Too often, we convince ourselves that we must carry the weight of everything on our own. I’ve wrestled with this myself. My hyper-independence, born out of pride and stubbornness, has often made me reluctant to lean on others, even when they were willing and able to help. I saw this play out clearly after I got married. I found myself feeling frustrated and overwhelmed trying to juggle work, housework, and everything else I had piled onto my plate. Yet, not once did I think to ask my spouse for help. It felt as though those tasks were solely my responsibility, and asking for support would mean I was failing in my role. It wasn’t until my spouse noticed my stress, checked in, and explicitly offered to help that I finally allowed myself to accept it. Even then, it wasn’t easy. I felt guilty, as though I was failing to meet some invisible standard I had set for myself. However, once I did accept the help, I noticed how much lighter I felt. It eased my stress, freed up my time, and even made me happier. I share this because it may seem like a small thing, like housework or sharing responsibilities, but it reveals something deeper. This belief that I had to do it all on my own wasn’t just about household chores. It was a reflection of the cultural and internalized pressures many of us face to be strong, self-reliant, and capable in every aspect of our lives. These beliefs are deeply rooted in the cultural values and societal pressures we experience as first-generation Latinas. Consider marianismo , a cultural expectation that women should prioritize the needs of others, self-sacrifice, and endure quietly. While these values are often linked to strength and devotion, they can make the act of seeking help feel selfish or even shameful. Hard work is another deeply ingrained value. Although this value has greatly contributed to my success, it also led me to believe that I had to do everything on my own. I saw independence as a badge of honor, and asking for help felt like cheating. There is also the role of being a helper, which many first-generation Latinas know all too well. Growing up, many of us experienced parentification . We became caregivers and cultural bridges for our families at a young age. We translated documents, solved problems, and advocated on behalf of our loved ones. I take great pride in having been that bridge. It is something I honor deeply. But being the one others relied on shaped my identity. It became second nature, even comforting, to step into that role. When someone else faced a challenge, I would immediately look for resources or even ask for help on their behalf. Yet, when it came to seeking help for myself, it felt foreign and deeply uncomfortable. Societal pressures add another layer to this experience. As first-generation Latinas, we often feel the weight of being “the first” in so many spaces. There is a heightened fear of being unprepared, incapable, or seen as an impostor. There is also the pressure to prove ourselves, as though our success is representative of our entire community. It is no wonder we feel like we can’t afford to ask for help. By avoiding help, we miss out on more than just stress relief, we lose opportunities to grow and thrive. Think about something you want that feels unrealistic or out of reach. When you ask for help, that want can suddenly feel possible. For example, reaching out to a therapist can help you understand yourself better and develop new skills for your mental and emotional wellness. If asking for help feels strange or wrong, trust me, you are not doing anything wrong. But I know it can be hard to take that first step. Here’s a consejo to help reframe what it means to ask for help: think of it as collaboration. It is not a sign of weakness but an opportunity to invite others on the journey and share the load. You might start by practicing saying yes when someone offers help, even if it is for something minor. Remember, asking for help doesn’t diminish your strength. It allows you to grow, connect, and move closer to the life you want for yourself. And you don’t have to do it alone. We grow stronger when we lean on our comunidad. Sí se puede. Dr. Lisette Sanchez is a bilingual licensed psychologist and founder of Calathea Wellness, a virtual practice providing individual therapy in California. She has a passion for working with BIPOC folxs and first-generation professionals . Stay connected! Subscribe now and get the latest on culture, empowerment, and more. SIGN ME UP! This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and Google Privacy Policy and the Terms of Service . Thank You! 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